Listening to Iyanla Vanzant explain who she WAS and who she currently IS really shakes me to the core of my being.
I fled Indianapolis in 1988 with the sole intention of recreating myself in New York City. Professionally, I ditched my surname and only went by my initials: CAM Jr.
A new man had emerged.
Well, what I didn't know is that changing one's name doesn't necessarily change one's state of mind. I may have had a different name, but I clung to the same ol' thoughts I had in Indiana: a person is SUPPOSED to ALWAYS know where his next paycheck is coming from.
And WHEN it's coming!
So, I got a full-time job!
And never felt more MISERABLE!
Other young, aspiring performers I knew were living with one or more roommates, working as waiters, taking acting lessons and going out on auditions. I had NONE of those concerns, 'cause I was working to pay for my leased condominium in a doorman building.
I lived in that condo for 10 years before I decided I had to make a change.
So, I went away on a one-week vacation from my full-time job at MACY*S and never returned. Leaving when I did was STUPID, though, because I had made no prior preparations for the loss of income. I mean, yes, getting out of the joint was something I HAD to do for my own sanity, but I could have been MUCH WISER about my departure. Saving for a year or two before I left, just like I did before I left Indianapolis, is what I SHOULD HAVE done!
But I DIDN'T!
I moved to Brooklyn.
Had a roommate for the first time in my adult life.
Got a part-time hosting job in a restaurant.
And was STILL miserable!!!!
I lived in that damn Brooklyn apartment, with that damn roommate, for damn near two years before I realized I had to make ANOTHER move!
But this time, I was smart about it.
I got myself cater-waiter gigs with two or three different catering companies, and stashed away EVERY cent I could.
Sometimes, I worked seven days a week. Heck, some days, I worked TWO catering gigs. I knew I wanted to have as much money as possible before I made my next move.
But WHERE would I go?
Sunny Southern California, that's where!
I arrived in L.A on January 9th, 2000, and stayed that month with a friend who had moved from NYC a year or so before.
I bought my FIRST car (a $2500 '84 Mustang), leased a tiny apartment that February, and was off and running!
Catering was my source of income. But, dangit, before I knew it, I had replaced my former full-time MACY*S gig with full-time CATERING!
What the f@#!???????
Fast-forward to right now: December 1st, 2014, and where am I?
STUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yep, I'm back wedged between a rock and NO PLACE!
IMMEDIATE CHANGE is BANGING on my DOOR!
On my HEAD!
And on my HEART!
I'm 50 years old. I don't have ANOTHER 50 years to get it right!
Hell, I don't have another 50 DAYS!
The time for me to live my BEST life is NOW!
N-O-W!
RIGHT NOW!
So, I'm gonna WRITE myself OUT of my current life!
And I'm gonna TALK myself out of my current life!
I'm gonna LOVE myself out of my current life!
Listening to Iyanla Vanzant explain who she WAS, and who she currently IS, really shakes me to the core of my being.
"[The life I'm living is NOT the truth of who I AM!]"
"This need NOT BE!"
I know how you feel! We don't have as much time as we think we do most of the time. Then wonder where did all the time go. I gotta make some changes and figure some things out!
ReplyDeleteIt's never too late. It just takes real commitment to scale that wall that has had you blocked for the nearly 30 years. As long as you have breath, you have opportunity. It's never to late.
ReplyDelete