Keepin' My Eye On Him!

I've gotta keep my eyes on this youngun 'cause oftentimes he thinks he's too crafty for his own good!  His mama has raised him right, but from time to time, he kinda forgets what she's taught him.  But GOD has placed me in his life to slap him silly remind him when he's venturing off the proper path!!!  I'm watchin' him.  And he KNOWS it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hellz Yeah I Am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And only I can make the call on this FACT!  Only I!!!!

NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

During MY journey in this life, this is somethin' I vow to NEVER do!  NEVER!!!! 

Now Is Now! And Tomorrow Is Now! So, Do It NOW!

“Procrastination is the grave in which opportunity is buried.”
I began writing my novel in January.  It is now one day away from JULY and I have not completed the work.  Well, I have written my first draft, but am dragging my feet embarrassingly with the rewrite.  It is conceivable that the finished product could set me free from my current life of professional despair.  Yet, I still procrastinate about working on the rewrite.  Truth is, I don't tackle the rewrite with earnest because the process is so incredibly tedious to me.  And that which we don't enjoy, we don't do so readily.  Well, I don't enjoy living day-to-day NOT feeling my best about each day.  And each night.  So, this is my vow:  within the next 24 hrs, I will have rewritten/edited a chapter in my book.  And I'll shoot for a chapter per day 'til it's done.  Heck, the hardest work is already done--the first draft.  Everything else is a cake walk.  I gotta look it at that way if I'm gonna get it done.  I want a NEW life like CHRIS's and TYSHAWN's.  A NEW, EXCITING, JOY-FILLED life.  And I can have it.  As long as I don't "put it off 'til tomorrow."  I have NO desire to bury MY opportunities.  NONE whatsoever!

Celebrate Good Times, Come On!

Next week, one of the loves of my life and her offspring are coming to L.A. for a visit.  I haven't seen her since 2003 or 2004.  Haven't seen her sons since 2002.  A part of me truly feels bad that I can't afford to take care of all their needs during their visit.  But, you know what?  I won't fret.  What I'll do instead is expend all my energy CELEBRATING their visit!  I won't concern myself for a moment with what I DON'T have.  I'll concentrate SOLELY on what I DO have:  THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Must Always Remember That...

And I'm soooooooooooooooooo verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry happy that I AM.

Self-Stimulation

Sometimes, what you need most in life only YOU can give to yourself.  And, just now, I just gave myself one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And it felt sooooooooooooo GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By This Time Next Year...

I'm gonna have a place of MY OWN in which I'll entertain and host ALL the people I love.  And who love me.  It's POSSIBLE.  ALL things are possible in CHRIST.  And in HARD WORK.  And DETERMINATION.  And PERSEVERANCE.  So, let it be written.  So, let it be done.

Yes, We're Movin' On Up

Talked to my friend, Chris, today and I just have to say that he sounds sooooo good these days.  He has a new job.  A job he truly enjoys.  It pays him more than he's been paid in ages, but that's not why he loves it.  He loves it because he enjoys the work and enjoys the location of his office and enjoys his boss!  I can feel his joy on the other end of the phone.  And I can tell he's smiling from ear to ear when he talks about his job.  He's also happy because he no longer has a roommate.  After talking to him, I then talked to my fave, Tyshawn, and can hear the joy in his voice, too, when he talks about making music.  The music school he attends is moving practically to his neighborhood, so I know that  means he'll be hangin' out in its studio all the time.  I'm mentioning all this because I can see my friends' lives changing right before my very eyes.  And neither of them are spring chickens.  So, seeing them change their lives for the better at 50 and 32 warms my heart so.  They're filling their days with work that interests and sustains them.  I am trailing behind but I do honestly believe my day is a-comin' sooner rather than later.  I hope and pray that I'll serve as a beacon of light and hope to someone else.  I mean, heck, maybe I already do.  Maybe I already do.

Ahoy!

Since I was a boy I have oftentimes felt that I am on the outside looking in.  That I'm not really a part of what's happening.  That I'm a spectator and never really a participant.  Well, two aspects of life I fully accept today that I didn't in years past, are the peaks and valleys of relationships.  Both friendships and romances.  Despite my internal objection, I can clearly, yet grudgingly see in what direction a particular friendship is heading.  Clearly.  But, honestly, I'm gonna fight like hell to cut it off at the pass!!!!!!!!!  Honestly.

Daydreamin' And I'm Thinkin' Of You

While walking home from the train station earlier, I stopped at the North Hollywood Toyota dealership.  I actually went to their Certified Used Car lot where I purchased my last car.  I saw several cars on the lot I'd love to have.  Interestingly, the first car I looked at was a Hyundai Sonata with a little over 14,000 miles on it.  When I bought my 2003 Hyundai Elantra from the same lot back in 2004, it had 40,000+ miles on it.  I wonder why a car with only 14,000 miles is on a used, car lot.  I mean, why did its previous owners get rid of it?  Anyway, I liked the Sonata a lot.  And wish I could afford it.  One day I'll buy a new car.  Yep, I have no doubt.  My only wish is that that "one day" be a day in the verrrrrrry near future.

Thank You, But No, Thank You

Yesterday morning I had a 9:30 AM appointment at The Saban Free Clinic to give blood for cholesterol screening.  I wasn't seen until 10:30 AM.  During the hour-long wait, I read interesting articles in L.A. Weekly.  And I listened to a crying baby.  And an old woman who appeared homeless.  And a host of other sounds I would rather not have had to listen to.  But, truth be told:  I HAD to listen to them because I have f*cked up!  And because I AM f*cked up!  Of sorts!  What I mean is, I am an intelligent, well-educated, well-versed person who should NOT have to go to a free clinic for medical check-ups, treatments, etc.  However, I DO have to go because I can't afford anything else at the moment.  And I can't afford anything else at the moment because I have f*cked up my life!  Okay, I'm bein' a lil' dramatic, but I MUST take responsibility for NOT having hustled in a SMART way to keep money in my pockets and bank account(s).  -- When I walked out of the clinic yesterday, I said to God, "I'm tired of being poor.  Out-and-out TIRED!"  And the buck CAN and WILL stop HERE!  NOW!  I haven't read Rich Dad, Poor Dad yet, but I think I'm gonna borrow it from the library later today. -- I spoke on the phone earlier to Madeline and my heart broke that I couldn't offer her and the boys a place to stay during their visit to L.A. next week.  It broke because I can't afford to put them up in a hotel either.  I mean, I am 46 yrs old and bright and resourceful and kind and a host of other things that should put me in a position to take EXCELLENT care of them during their visit.  And during their ENTIRE lives!!!  It's obvious that doing for myself isn't enough motivation for me to be a phenomenal provider like my incredible father.  So, I'm gonna have to STEP UP so that I can provide for OTHERS!  I have my work cut out for me later today.  So, let it be written.  So, let it be done!  CHANGE is a-comin'!!!!  POSITIVE CHANGE!  LUCRATIVE CHANGE!  WELCOMED CHANGE!

Sunday Mornin' Praise!

CeCe speaks to every bone in my body.  Although I already knew it, it's good to be reminded that HE's concerned about ME!!!!!!!!!  HE loves me.  Oh, yes!

Some Places...

...just AIN'T for EVERYBODY!  Or so SOME folks would want me to believe!  F*CK 'em!  I'm GONNA do my thing whether they like it or NOT!  Feel me??????

NOTHING Lasts Forever! Absolutely NOTHING!

So, I choose to remember folks when they were THEIR best!  And keep on keepin' on toward becoming MY best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paradoxically Speaking...

Why is it that the person who wants YOU is oftentimes NOT the person YOU want????????????????????????????

You And I...

I don't believe humans are put on this planet to live alone.  All of us desire companionship.  ALL of us!!  Yes, some will say that they enjoy "being alone."  But...I don't believe 'em for one moment!  No, they may not want to be married or in an exclusively monogamous romance, but they do NOT want to be alone.  They want someone to talk to.  To laugh with.  To cuddle with.  And, although I've tried to pretend I don't...I DO!  So, this ol' dude is open to meeting and chilling with a new companion.  And, yes, I want a dog in the very near future, but it WON'T be a suitable substitute for a HUMAN companion.  There, I've said it aloud.  Now, let me DO something about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just Not My Bag

But boy oh boy, it's GONNA be SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy 20th!!!

Back in late '89 or early '90, one of my friends took me along with him over to a singer's house named, Brenda K. Starr.  While there, she told us about "a little white girl" who sang like a big, black one!  She let us listen to a song the "little white girl" was working on for her debut album.  The song blew me away.  I kept asking, Brenda, are you sure this girl is white?  She assured me the girl was and said, "Let's call her."  So, at damn near 2 AM, she called the girl, who was still in the studio, working on her album.  She told her that I wanted to speak with her, then passed me the phone.  I told the young lady that I had just listened to her song and loved it.  I asked her if she could sing a little snippet of it for me.  She first declined, stating that her voice was hoarse from singing all night.  With a little pleading on my part, she relented and sang a bit.  She sounded great to me.  Well, within a month or so, I was in my apartment and heard the song Brenda played for us on the radio.  It was Vision Of Love.  I jumped for joy, 'cause I felt like I had a special relationship with the singer!!  Haa!  When the cassette single was released, I stood in a record store, urging people to buy it.  I mean, you would've thought I was being paid to promote her or somethin'!  I mention all this, 'cause this month marks the twentieth-yr anniversary of the month MARIAH CAREY's debut album hit the stores.  I'll always remember hearing the song long before it hit the airwaves.  And listening to her sing a snippet of it LIVE, long before the rest of America had heard her!  Keep singin', Mimi, 'cause when it comes to your voice and me:  We Belong Together!  Haa!

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

Just got off the phone with a young man who told me he is doing precisely what he wants to do professionally.  He also told me that he made a joke about me last weekend to a mutual friend.  The joke was that my life would be more stable if I had an education.  Hmm.  No, he doesn't really know me.  And, no, I don't care enough about him nor his opinion to set him straight.  What I do care about, though, is moving steadily toward procuring a television hosting gig as CAM Jr. And NOT as just any ol' telepromter-reading, talking head.  And, I'm gonna book one.  Or two.  Or three.  Yes, indeedy.  And, yes, I'll book 'em with all the education I've gathered over the years!!!!  Haa!

Living My Dream

I am 46 yrs old and finally goin' for precisely what I want.  What is innately me.  What makes me feel incredible about being me.  And, what's more, I still truly believe I will attain it.  Truly, I do.

Lucky Me

All my adult life I've been blessed enough to have good landlords wherever I've rented.  Of course, some would say that good tenants always have good landlords.  Well, I can't say that I've always been the best tenant.  Heck, I can't say that I'm currently a great tenant.  However, I can say that I appreciate my current landlords and want to do something really nice for them.  Uh, paying them the rent on time would be a great start, huh?  ;)

Lemonade Stand

This morning I went along with my friend, Gregor, to the set of a short film he's working on.  Of course, my motivation was the free food!  Well, turns out the food wasn't worth it.  And, we were stuck there damn near six hours LONGER than he had originally told me we'd be there!  Oh well, I seized the opportunity to lie on a lounger next to a pool and enjoy the beautiful day.  Hey, you hand this ol' dude lemons and...you know the rest!!!!!!  

Stranger?????

While working out today at the neighborhood park, I met a young dude who was also working out.  I could tell from the stretch marks around his abdomen that he had probably lost a lot of weight.  After a bit, I asked him if he had lost weight.  He told me he had been 225 lbs at his heaviest and was now somewhere around 190 lbs or so.  He looked great.  We went on to chat and I realized he appears to be a pretty cool dude altogether.  As I've often said, I am truly a man who has never met a stranger.  Every person I meet is a potential friend.  That is, if they want to be.  It was truly a pleasure to meet, MARQUES.

If I've Said It Once...

I received a voicemail today.  One, a part of me thought I'd receive, but graciously accepted that I didn't a day ago.  Today's a new day, though.  And only GOD and HIS UNIVERSE know what it will bring.  Well, apparently BOTH have let a mere human in on their plan, too.  So, I'll await the second call, since the first one didn't get through to me.  I'm GOING to host MY idea of a successful, talk show. Soon.  And very soon.  'Cause I believe in MIRACLES.  I am a WALKING, TALKING, BREATHING example!!!!!

Freedom By The Sea!!!!!!!

Yesterday was truly a GLORIOUS day for me!  It began with me driving down to Laguna Nigel at damn near 4 AM.  I arrived by 5 AM.  I stood in line with hundreds of others who were there to audition for OPRAH's reality show to find a new, tv host.  After the audition, I figured I'd hang around Laguna.  Well, I wound up driving to Dana Point.  Parked near the ocean.  And proceeded to walk all over the place.  I exercised a bit.  And met some of the kindest people.  After talking to a gracious couple for over 30 minutes, I headed toward the water and walked upon a father and son.  We struck up a conversation and before I knew it, I was enjoying a delicious lunch with them right on the water @ Wind & Sea Restaurant!  And the son PAID!  Didn't I say the day was glorious???  Haa!  The son's name is, Marc.  His dad's name is, Mr. Abdou, because I was taught never to call my elders by their first names.  So, I won't here, either.  Mr. Abdou is from Egypt.  And he's one, helluva fella!  He knows that ocean community like the back of his hand.  And he delighted in tellin' me all about it.  -- I am soooo very happy that my love for people extends beyond race, creed, color or socio-economic status.  I like PEOPLE.  Plain and simple.  And I can learn something from EVERYBODY.  Also plain and simple.  One day I'm gonna earn a terrific living talking to PEOPLE.  Mark my words.  -- Yeah, yesterday was GLORIOUS.  And it was because, in this country, I am FREE to go WHEREVER I want.  And meet WHOMEVER I want.  Oh, how HAPPY I am for the FREEDOM I possess!  And for the people who inhabit this planet!!! -- I sure hope Mr. Abdou is enjoying a PHENOMENAL FATHER'S DAY today!!!!

Back Down Memory Lane

For me, YouTube allows me to revisit some of the happiest moments of my life through song.  I can spend (and HAVE spent) hours surfing the site to listen to old performances of my favorite vocalists.  When I'm not feelin' as terrific as I'd like to be, I immediately click to YouTube and lose myself in nothin' but JOYOUS memories!!!!  Honestly, sometimes, ain't nothin' better than travellin' back down memory lane!  Nothin' in the world!!!

CAM Jr. Is Finally At Home!

Last week, when I worked the three-day stint at The L.A. Convention Center for the E3 Entertainment Expo, it was one of the first times in my 46-yr-old life that I've truly enjoyed doing what I was being paid for!  I mean, honestly, standing in Disney's TRON area, meeting and greeting all the people who came to it, was a REAL JOY!!!!!  From the looks of things, it's blatantly obvious that I LOVED it!  Right??????????  :)

Daddy, We Love You!

Today is FATHER'S DAY!!!  The first since my father's death last July 2009.  I'm lookin' at him right now 'cause I have two, 8X10 pics of him on my desk.  In both, he looks so handsome.  One is a pic of him as a very young man in the navy.  In the other, he's probably five to ten years older than the navy pic.  What a very handsome fella.  I can't say that enough.  -- Today, I sent Happy Father's Day texts to my brother and to a few friends.  I hope all the recipients of my texts know how much I care for them.  Even if I almost never see them or talk to them via phone.  My love will endure for them even when my physical body won't.  HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to all the dads out there who truly and deeply and responsibly love their offspring!  I know MY daddy did!!!!  And STILL DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I LOVE YOU, DADDY!  And so do all your children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things Are...

My checking account is nothin' to sing about.  My automobile situation ain't the best.  My living arrangement isn't always what I wish it was.  But, guess what?  I STILL believe things are a-lookin' UP!  And so am I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Oh Well!!!

Today is Sunday and NO callback from OPRAH!  Oh well!  I'll keep on keepin' on!  My hosting gig is on the horizon!  I feel it!  I feel it!  I feel it!

Two, Down! One More To Go! Hopefully!

So, I drove my heinie down to Laguna Nigel this morning at dang near 4 AM, only to arrive before 5 AM and find myself waaaaaaaay in the back of the OPEN CALL line for Oprah's search for a tv talk show host.  Truth be told, the wait was a tad long, but the people waiting in line were really friendly.  We were auditioned in groups of twelve.  Each person had to stand or sit and tell who he/she is and what his/her show idea is.  I was second to last to do my pitch.  And I delivered it clearly and succintly.  Tonight is when callbacks are announced.  When they call me (and they will, dangit), I'm gonna show up to tomorrow's callback with the exact, same outfit I wore today and in my video submission.  I NEED this opportunity somethin' fierce!!  But, I won't worry.  'Cause, u know how I feel:  "if you're gonna pray, don't worry.  If u're gonna worry, don't pray!"

Don't Quit My Day Job

For three days this week I'll be working for DISNEY at the Electronic Entertaiment Expo at the L.A. Convention Center.  I'm working in the Tron Evolution space.  People seem to love the sleek, black motorcycle reproduction sittin' front and center in the booth.  I usually stand next to it, talkin' to folks and handin' out t-shirts.  Truth be told, I enjoy talkin' to folks.  It's the standing that I could do without.  But, I won't complain 'cause I'm so happy to have the gig I could scream!  While there, though, I was introduced to two, extremely talented folks.  A dj named, Joseph One and a painter named, David Garibaldi.  Both are young (in their twenties for sure).  And both are extremely talented at what they do.  I truly enjoyed their performances today.  One played the music as the other painted.  Both sensational.  I'm lookin' forward to hearing and seeing them tomorrow.  And Thursday.

AA Can Set You F-R-E-E

After I returned my rental car yesterday, I was en route home when I walked upon a young, white dude who looked lost.  I asked him if he needed assistance and he told me he did.  Anyway, I wound up walking him to his destination:  an AA meeting.  It was his first.  And it was court-appointed.  Turns out he had been arrested for driving drunk, crashing into a wall and trying to flee the scene.  Luckily for him he didn't hurt anyone or himself.  What he did, though, was receive a colossal, wakeup call.  And a sentence of goin' to AA meetings and a revoked license.  I asked him if I could join him in the meeting as his guest.  He obliged, and there I sat for an hour, listening to the stories of many of the people there.  And there were quite a few.  The young dude said nothing.  He simply sat there and took in everything he heard like I did.  That was the second AA meeting I've ever attended.  The first was a few years ago as a guest of a friend.  I recall he didn't say anything at his first meeting either.  Anyway, by the time the meeting was over yesterday, I think the young dude realized that he shouldn't have driven himself to the meeting since his license is revoked.  I hope he did the proper thing today and took public transportation to work.  Only God and he know if he did.  I sure hope he did.  I do truly believe he's learned his lesson.  I'm just soooo happy he learned it without anyone getting physically hurt.  He appeared to be a pretty cool dude.  I wish him the best.

Bright Light, My City

Every day I make it a point to stand outside under the bright sunlight to give GRATITUDE to GOD and His Universe for my PARENTS, SIBLINGS, NIECES, NEPHEWS, COUSINS, AUNTS, UNCLES & FRIENDS.  I say, THANK you for what I HAVE and try my damnedest NOT to belabor what I DON'T!!!!  Nothin' makes me feel as SPECIAL and as NECESSARY as the SUN.  'Cause the sun NEEDS me to FEEL its GLORY.  And I need to feel it!!!!  Amen.

He Said, She Said

Earlier today I received a voicemail from one of my friends, tellin' me he really needed to talk to me.  I called him back shortly thereafter and boy oh boy did he have something interesting to tell.  Well, let me qualify that by saying that HE thought he had something interesting to tell.  When he told it, quite honestly, the news was ho hum to me. -- Apparently, a high school acquaintance of his hit him up on Facebook with a friend request.  He didn't recognize the chick, but he accepted her anyway because she included a message that told him she attended his high school.  She also asked in her message if he recognized her.  He immediately ran to his yearbook to look her up, but only found one person with that same surname.  He reckoned she was the sister of the dude he knew way back then.  And he told her as much.  She then went on to tell him that she wasn't the sister of the guy he remembered.  She, in fact, WAS the guy.  Well, not the SAME guy, but he is who she tumbled into this world being.  My friend was SHOCKED!  In his voicemail to me, he said (and I'm paraphrasing): "I know you've met these kinds of people and I've heard about 'em on television, but this is the FIRST one I've ever known personally."  And that may very well be so.  But, as for me, heck, it seems that since the day I moved to NYC crossdressers and trannies were practically everywhere I went.  I even used to live across the street from a notorious transvestite bar in '88 on W. 43rd St.  It was called, SALLY'S HIDEAWAY.  And I knew just what the "chicks" in that bar hid away, too!  Ha!  I once "met" a pre-op tranny online and seriously contemplated meeting "her" in person, but never mustered up the courage to do so.  That was then.  I wouldn't shy away from meeting her now.  People are people.  And that's just the way it is.  Besides, some of 'em look pretty damn good if you ask me!!!

Singin' Fools!

A few years ago I was scouring YouTube as I'm known to do, lookin' and listenin' for singers.  I love folks who sing.  Always have.  Always will.  Anyway, I stumbled across a duo who go by the name, The Craig Lewis Band.  Actually, Craig is the surname of one of 'em and Lewis, the other's surname.  These boys sing!  Sing!  Sing!  Their voices are mixes of R&B and gospel.  Craig, the one with the raspy vocals, sounds like pure CHURCH!  Lewis, on the other hand, possesses one of the most clear and powerful tenor voices I've ever heard.  I could listen to him all day.  And all night.  Both of their voices blend beautifully together.  Heck, even Tyler Perry saw them on YouTube and fell in love.  He has since hired them to be co-stars in his latest, travelling, stage show.  Indeed, those brothas sound pretty good to me.  I wish them the best.

Yes, I Am! Yes, I Am!

I'm is what I'm is, y'all!!!!!  Yessir!!!!!!!  :)